Rubber Ducky
by blissedoutvixen
Summary: For Sirius and Hermione, bath time is so much fun. Eventually, anyway. Hermione is trying to take a bath, and Siurs has to pee. A conflict of interest arises. Oneshot.


_AN: Here you go, my first SiriusHermione, a pairing which I adore. Sesame Street rocks my socks, you go Ernie._

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><p>Hermione closed her eyes and sighed in bliss, sinking through the mound of bubbles into her lilac scented bath. A practical girl, It was one of the few luxuries she allowed herself. Everyone in the house knew that from 10 to 11 o'clock on Sunday mornings, the bathroom of Grimmauld Place was not be disturbed. One only had to look to the meticulously drawn up 'Bathroom Schedule', which apportioned equal amounts of time for bath and or shower time to everyone living in the house. Hermione had drawn it up in her second week of residence at the formerly gloomy number twelve. So far everyone had adhered to it, though Sirius and Ginny had rolled their eyes. At least no one had ever dared to disturb her during her weekly bathing ritual before, which is why Hermione was shocked to her very core when a barrage of hammering knocks sounded from the other side of the door, jarring her from her peaceful trance.<p>

_**/BANG, BANG, BANG/**_

Pounded the knock, the force of it causing Hermione to shudder and jump each time it rang out. If this wasn't some sort of dire emergency, and now that Voldemort was gone, she doubted it was, she was going to be _severely_ annoyed.

"What?" she shouted agitatedly, yanking open the curtain, very vexed at having to sit up and do so.

"Hermione, love, I'm sorry, but I really, _really_, have to take a piss. Please let me in! So bad, love, you have no idea!"

Hermione groaned and sank down further into the bath, contemplating attempting to drown herself. Maybe then she would finally be able to get some peace then. Perhaps the person she should really be drowning was Sirius, she mused. Sirius. _Of course_, it could only be Sirius. She practically growled. That man, _honestly_.

"Go pee outside!" she suggested, not exactly inclined to be charitable after having been interrupted so unceremoniously for what she deemed such a colossally _stupid_ reason. Couldn't he hold it, for Godric's sake?

"It's below zero!" Sirius yelped, sounding affronted. "Do you want my dick to turn into an icicle and fall off?" he demanded to know, as much of drama-queen as ever.

Hermione smiled bitterly. "At the moment, Sirius, I really couldn't care less about the state of your penis."

She could practically hear the smirk in his voice. "At the moment, eh?" he asked, in a rather flirtatious tone for someone who supposedly had to pee so bad. "So you've been concerned with it at other times, have you?

"Sirius," Hermione groaned, and sunk further down into the bath, glad Sirius was on the other side of the door and so couldn't see the blush blooming across her skin, all the way down to the tips of her rosy breasts.

"Hermione, my cock is about to burst out of my pants right now. Please let me in," Sirius pleaded, and Hermione could hear the thump as he fell heavily against the bathroom door. Hermione cringed and blushed absolutely crimson, unable to keep from picturing this, and rolled over so her face was in the water. She truly did want to drown herself at that moment in time. Opening her eyes under water, Hermione could see her multitudes of hair floating around her, spreading out to surround her like a thick cloud. It was then that she came to a place of acceptance. As patently ridiculous as this situation was, it was going to happen. Breathing in some water and blowing it back out again, still submerged, Hermione rolled back over and reemerged from the water. Sitting up, she tugged the bath curtain closed, though it was only semi-opaque and so provided only minimal protection from Sirius' deviant eyes.

"Fine," she said, sighing in defeat. Reaching for her wand and alohamoring the door, in addition to removing the other, more advanced, locking charms she had placed on it. "You can come in."

"Thank you," Sirius breathed out in a rush, hurriedly opening the door and rushing in and over to the toilet. Hermione barely had time to avert her eyes before Sirius was tugging down his black boxer briefs and, with a sigh, releasing a stream of pee. Hermione squirmed uncomfortably at the sound of Sirius' stream hitting the back of the toilet bowl (He hadn't even bothered to put up the seat, either his need was that urgent, or he was that confident in his aim. Probably both.) and his sigh of blissful release, which could have easily come from something very different. Hermione blushed again. She really had to get a hold of herself here, and get her mind out of the gutter, especially with Sirius now in the room. Peeing. Sirius Black was in the room with her, while she was naked, taking a piss. If the tabloids got a hold of this. Ridiculous! Not to mention embarrassing. Ugh. Leaning forward, and making sure to keep her eyes well above waist level, Hermione darted her eyes over to Sirius. His head was tipped back in what looked like ecstasy, and he was bare-chested, having come in wearing only his tight, black boxer briefs. Honestly, who was still walking around half naked at 10:30 in the morning on a Sunday, Hermione thought flustered. Wasn't that a little ridiculous?

"Isn't it a bit ridiculous that you're not dressed yet?" Hermione asked over the sounds of Sirius tucking himself back into his pants.

"Love, I just got up," Sirius said tiredly, turning unashamedly to face Hermione. She didn't know quite where to look. His devastatingly handsome face, coated in black, morning stubble (why, oh why did she have to find his stubble so leg meltingly sexy? Why, oh why did she have to want to feel the scratch of it against her neck and thighs?), his gloriously tattooed and muscled chest or, Merlin help her, the outline of his impressive looking package beneath those tight, black boxer briefs? Her was face blooming like a flower, as in with a great, red blush. Sirius lazily scratched his chest and yawned and Hermione had to physically hold in a low, keening moan as he arched slightly, pushing his barely clothed crotch in her direction.

"Oi!" Sirius cried, faux indignantly, breaking from his yawn. "We said no peeking!"

Hermione squeaked, and ducked back behind the bath curtain, sinking down into the water in deep embarrassment. She couldn't believe she had been caught looking. Ugh!

"Actually," Hermione ventured tentatively, trying to sound her normal, swotty self, " we never agreed on any sort of no peeking policy," she defended.

Sirius raised an interested eyebrow. "Is that an invitation, love?" he asked, his voice becoming lower and thicker.

Hermione sputtered. "No! I'm just saying that when one walks around half naked all the time-"

"May I remind you, Kitten, that you are _completely_ naked right now."

Hermione's face flamed in embarrassment and outrage. No one had the ability to get under her skin like Sirius, no one!

"Because I'm in the bath!" she protested, shouting by this time.

"You invited me in!" Sirius shouted back.

Hermione gaped at him, looking rather like an angry fish. "Invited you in? You BARGED in here, forcing your way because you had to pee _SO BADLY_-"

"I did!" Sirius cried vehemently.

"-and then accuse me of-of-_scamming _on you!"

"Hermione," Sirius said, suddenly speaking more quietly.

"What?" she shouted, seeming somewhat frenzied.

"The curtain," he gestured helplessly, "It's…" he trailed off awkwardly.

Hermione gasped in mortification and quickly dove into the bubble filled tub of water, yanking closed the bath curtain, which in the course of her and Sirius' heated argument, had gradually been pushed farther and farther to the side, revealing more and more of Hermione's wet, naked flesh. In her agitation, she had sat up straighter and straighter in the bath, inadvertently exposing her breasts, heaving, soapy and wet, to Sirius. She felt as though she could just die.

Sirius cautiously moved back the curtain and perched himself on the edge of the tub, trailing his hand absently in the bath. Hermione was still submerged in the water, looking as if she were contemplating never emerging from the bath again. Sirius was beginning to feel terrible. He had just meant to have some harmless fun with her, and now she appeared inconsolable. _Nice fucking job, Padfoot,_ he berated himself, _apparently you still have the same talent for making birds cry that you did at Hogwarts. Damn it, she looked so devastated. _And he had made her look that way.

"Look, Hermione," Sirius said, attempting to be comforting. Admittedly, probably not his strong suit. He wasn't known for his tact. "It's really not so bad."

"You've seen me topless!" Hermione cried hysterically from the water. "That's almost as bad as bottomless!"

"I've seen a lot of women topless-" _And bottomless, _he thought wryly. _Wouldn't mind adding you to that list._

There was an angry splash from the tub, "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Hermione demanded, looking at him for all the world as if he were a completely demented troll. He certainly felt like one.

Sirius sighed and ran and hand agitatedly through his hair, staring up at the ceiling for a second. "What I was trying to say, Kitten, is that I've seen a lot of women topless, but never any breasts quite so lovely as yours." There, he'd said it.

From the tub, Hermione sniffed. "Sirius, stop it, You're just saying that."

"No, Hermione, I'm really not, " Sirius said sincerely. "You have really nice tits."

Hermione choked out a shaky laugh. "Thanks."

Happy that she seemed to be feeling a bit better, Sirius joked, "I could show you mine to make up for it," he offered.

Hermione laughed full on this time, glancing appreciatively at Sirius' delineated, tattooed, and very masculine chest. "You don't have breasts Sirius, and I've seen you topless plenty of times," she pointed out archly. "Right now, in fact. It's not exactly on the same level."

"I meant my cock, love. You show me yours, I'll show you min and all that," he said, giving a soft laugh.

The scary thing was, Hermione thought as she studied his chiseled, stubble coated face, was that he was perfectly serious. And also perfectly Sirius. Drat.

"Okay," Hermione said, before she could think about it and stop herself from uttering the humiliating words. Double drat. She blushed, but couldn't seem to make her mouth open and form the words to take back her demand. She supposed that was because deep down, her desire to see Sirius'…she could barely even think it in her head…_cock_, over powered her ethical standards. But she was dealing with Sirius' Black, ethical standards kind of went out the window. Either that or he had subliminally cast a spell on her. She wouldn't put it past the man.

"Seriously?" he asked, absolutely blown away by Hermione's response to what had really mostly been a joke on his part, so much so that he didn't even make the obvious pun.

Hermione smiled hesitantly. "Seriously, Sirius."

A devilish smile spread across Sirius' face, making Hermione's lower stomach skip and flutter. "Can I come in and get wet, first?" he asked huskily.

Hermione nodded slowly, as if hypnotized. She hadn't expected that Sirius would want to make things so up close and personal. She had thought he would just show her his…_cock_, and that would be that, but it appeared the dark haired animagus had more in mind. When he stepped into the bath, Hermione drew her legs up close to her body and concentrated on Sirius' face.

"You're allowed to stare, love," Sirius said amusedly. "That is sort of the point."

Hermione blushed heavily and nodded bashfully, reluctantly refocusing her attention on Sirius' crotch. She could see the outline of his goods through his tight, black boxer briefs. She could see that he was half hard, and blushed at the implications of that. Sirius sunk down into the bath onto his knees, the pleasantly hot bathwater lapping at his crotch, his newly hardened cock bobbing in the water. Dipping his hands into the bubbles, Sirius began rubbing himself, soapy water clinging to the impressive outline of his hardened cock and tightening balls. He looked into her wide eyes as he massaged himself, groaning lower in his throat, and Hermione became quite wet and sticky between her thighs, from more than just the bathwater and bubbles.

"Would you like to touch before you see," Sirius invited her huskily in between, deep, low groans.

Hermione squeaked and shied away from Sirius. He gave her time to contemplate and get used to the idea, continuing to touch himself blatantly and groan, even growing so bold as to moan Hermione's name, something which had her crying out softly in shock, and a deluge of wetness gushing between her thighs. Her nipples, which Sirius now had a clear view of, were tight with arousal.

Finding herself captivated, Hermione tentatively reached out and palmed Sirius manhood. He gasped and jerked at her touch, thrusting himself forward into Hermione's small, delicate hand. She hummed interestedly at the feeling, her lower stomach tightening in response to the power she had over him. Sirius was such a cocky, powerful figure, always strutting about, and to see him brought to his knees by her in this way caused a heady feeling to wash over her. She continued to massage his growing hardness through the clinging wet material of his boxer briefs, as he panted and thrust into her hands. It was rather like he was attempting to have sex with her hands, which was a strange concept and an even stranger sensation, but an arousing one nevertheless. Hermione had never given a hand job before, so it was a new and interesting experience for her.

"You wanted to see me, 'Mione. You wanted to see all of me," Sirius panted heavily. Hermione bit her lip and nodded, though Sirius couldn't see as his head was tipped back and his eyes closed in pleasure. Steeling herself, Hermione slowly tugged down on Sirius' soaking wet boxer briefs and peeled them slowly from his body. Sirius' breath hitched , and he arched his hips to aid in the removal of his pants, groaning at the sucking sensation the sodden garment caused against his hardness as Hermione pulled it away from his straining cock.

Hermione stared with wide eyes at Sirius' naked, hugely erect cock. She gasped, the sight of him taking her breath away, managing to tear a cocky smirk from the man. Taking his bare flesh in her hand, Hermione began pumping up and down, varying her grip and speed, as she had read was pleasurable for men. Sirius panted and groaned, praising her as a goddess and gripping the edges of the tub hard. After a while, Sirius' breathing and movements grew more erratic, and with a twitch of his cock he came in her hands. Sirius would tease her mercilessly about it later, but she screamed.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Sirius cried, having been ripped out of his state of post orgasmic bliss by Hermione's high pitched yelp.

"Nothing, nothing," she assured him hurriedly, blushing to the hilt. "I was just startled. I didn't know that would happen," she offered breathlessly. Sirius raised his eyebrows at her. "I mean, of course I knew it would happen," she backpedaled, deeply embarrassed at this point. "I just didn't know so much would come out."

Sirius laughed, standing up and dragging her with him. "Come on, little miss innocence, let's have a shower and get clean. Or all dirty, whichever you prefer."

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><p><em>Sirius AN: Hee. Yep, no sex, just a handjob. Handjob's are underrated. In fact, yay for hand jobs! I'm a fan, and that's as a girl. They make me all nostalgic for high school <em>_J__ I'm in a really pro handjob mood right now. Let me know what you though, as always._

**Serious AN: ****Please pray for the people of Syria, or if religion is not your bag, which I get, send your love, peace, and good thoughts to them. The situation is disgusting and absolutely heartbreaking. Innocent people, women, children, civilians, are being slaughtered in the streets every day, massacred by their own government. I've been crying and praying all week, and I'm not a religious person. It's just such a heartbreaking situation. Such disgusting, senseless, violence is going on, and the world is just watching. I know we are only a few people, but our hopes (and prayers for some of us) are with you Syria. So please send your love to them, and pray if that's your thing. Peace and love to all, thank you.**


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